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Top Gun and Jurassic World Pulled After Teen Flies F15 Raptor into Screening

It’s been a dark month for Mallard staff, Minions fans, and cinemagoers.

A teenage boy flew an F15 Raptor through the Mallard’s legendary Screen Two, injuring several and scattering popcorn everywhere.

“Gonna be mopping for weeks,” bemoaned one Mallard employee.

“You ever tried to remove popcorn from a carpet covered in jet fuel?”

“Just when you think it’ll never happen, that we’ve seen enough pain and misery over the last two years and the world might be starting to go back to normal, they release another fucking Minions movie.”

Aurigny had purchased the military aircraft to combat delays, flying passengers from Guernsey to Jersey in 11 seconds flat.

This latest knock comes just days after teens in suits had to be banned from the cinema for disrupting screenings of Jurassic World: The Minion.

Jurassic World, Minions, and Top Gun Maverick have all been pulled for public safety.

Mums are still allowed to attend to keep up to date with the memes.

“Fucking result!” declared one dad, who got to leave the cinema with his son before Minions even finished its opening credits.

Local visionary John Gollop was turned away from a screening for being too well dressed.

Tens of children were left in tears.

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