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Hero peacock slain

A murder investigation is underway in Jersey after a peacock was mown down in cold blood.

Mr Percy, a 15-year-old peacock, was slain over the Christmas break.

He was a big cock, even by Jersey standards.

While the rest of us were harmlessly roasting giant birds to gorge our families, a monster slew a proud and colourful fowl with a name.

He was hit by a car and later propped up by the side of the road by a parishioner. A real weekend at birdy’s situation.

Barry Bidon was taken into custody early this morning.

The arrested individual’s story is reportedly wandering and the peacock-shaped hole in his Fiat Uno is damning.

“How could I miss it? Bloody massive thing. I was drawn in by its beautiful plumage.

“I thought it would fly off.

“Why’s they breathalyse me and not the cock?”

After Pee-Wee Herman and Henry Kissinger, this is the third massive cock to die in the last year.

“Where am I going to find another bloke with such a vast and hypnotic arse on this island?” —The Widow Percy

“He went out the way he would’ve wanted, in a blaze of feathers.”

Local experts on this species of bird are coming forward to testify; it’s the second biggest list of peadophiles seen this month.

“I’ve told you we prefer the collective noun cockophiles if anything.” —Pepé Le Page, local peanut.

“All peacocks should have to wear some sort of large, reflective and eye-catching accessory to make them more visible, or we’ll continue to see such tragedies occur.” Phil Breton of Bird Islander Rights, Discrimination, Statutes, History in Trust.

Wrongfully imprisoned cannabis enthusiast Willow Greenglove has asked if she might be saved one of the feathers for crafting a new wand upon her release: 9 inches, indica and peacock feather.

Constable Lorn Mabey said Henry Percy was “absolutely beautiful” and “the largest cock I have ever seen, and in perfect condition”. He presumably meant before the crash.

Mr Mabey added that as peacocks are wild animals, there was no requirement for the driver to stop.

There has been some public outcry that perhaps this law should be changed, if the animals are good looking.

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