Guernsey Police are working tirelessly in pursuit of a thief described as dangerous and bipedal.
The thief struck last week, taking both a pair of joggers and the washing line upon which they were pegged.
Detective sergeant Leo Le Tissier says he’s close to cracking the case.
“I’ve taken down several likely suspects doing laps at Saumarez Park.
“I know the trousers were a 34 inch waist, and had a 31 inch leg, so I can assume they were taken by someone who was at most that size.”
DS Le Tissier told The Guern he was working night and day.
“My liver is taking an absolute battering, I go through a bottle of scotch during a standard day now. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat.
“Everywhere I look I see trousers – you can’t get away from them.
“I’ve only been able to relax wearing shorts and around lower-limb amputees – not easy to find.
“I nearly blew a seamstress’s brains out for hemming a pair of trackies the other day.
“I just keep wondering what the sick fuck’s gonna do with that washing line.”
Constable Amanda Rouget said she was worried for his health.
“We haven’t had a case this worrisome since all that hedge-veg trouble in ‘63.
“But the DS needs to move on if it’s not meant to be solved, like we do with most of the hard ones.
“The thief probably shat themself on a night out and panicked – I know I’ve done that before, and I’ll do it again too.”
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