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Santa turns on the lights, catches wife cheating

Of all the heart-breaking stories that arise over Christmas, from homelessness, to children going without, to elders freezing in their own homes – this one really stings. 

After a long year of putting together iPhones and making his elves snort special snow to keep them working through the night, Santa Claus of all people deserves rest and peace. 

After returning home weary from another day’s hard graft, this paragon of goodness was shocked to his core. 

As he switched on the lights, he discovered Mrs Claus, his lady wife, was being rattled by the Easter Bunny – that waste of fur who not only enjoys 11 months of holiday per year, but also his boss’s wife. 

Usually joyous and forgiving, Santa is said to have taken the bunny outside and thrown him in front of a Coca Cola truck. 

“No more holidays are coming for that piece of shit,” the tortured old man claimed. 

Our thoughts and prayers go out to Santa Claus at this awful time. 

And perhaps your significant other doesn’t need a complex gift this Christmas, that Santa will have to toil over during these weeks of toxic uncertainty. 

Perhaps they would like something simple, to remind them who they are and where they come from. 

To register your interest in an I Am The Guern shirt or baseball cap, send an email to [email protected] today. 

They’re not only affordable, stylish and patriotic, but in the spirit of Spartacus, also protect the anonymity of journalists who relentlessly pursue truth, no matter the risk. 

Merry Christmas.

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