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Cat ban petition gains traction

A petition to ban cats in Guernsey is gaining support as islanders start to share their long hidden anti-cat leanings. 

The petition was started after several bumpers were dented by errant cats at high speed.

Matthieu Roger Blondel Jr. started the petition following a letter to The Guernsey Press which received positive feedback. 

“I just can’t stand them. 

“I have a deterrent alarm at the perimeter, one mile of barbed wire and a Great Dane, but they still piss in my freesias.”

Although it seems extreme, there is precedent. 

The Gull Cull of ’81 progressed from petition to bloodbath in a matter of days. 

Historical Guernsey residents also wiped out badgers, foxes and squirrels in order to take their land. 

General Animal Safety & Health have confirmed it’s under their jurisdiction.

Pro-Cat activist Phucks Niho argued that cats cannot be released into the wild and have no true origin due to centuries of domestication. 

Despite her pertinent points, locals have naturally used the fact she wasn’t born in Guernsey to argue against her. 

“If you love cats so much, go back where they came from,” Anti-Cat spokesman Rob McDoyle was heard shouting. 

As these tensions continue, some residents have even considered locking their front doors.

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