The old Guernsey Rumour Mill, which spins to the beat of island gossip, has gone missing.
Witnesses state that the Rumour Mill picked up such speed yesterday afternoon that it took off and was last seen over Basingstoke.
With islanders indoors with nothing to do but text each other, rumours abound over who or what may have caused the recent resurgence of COVID 19 across the island.
One source in the Vale claims to have a witness whose brother knows a guy in the FBI who definitely saw Heidi Soulsby boiling a bat, while others have been spreading utter nonsense.
Police allegedly kicked down several doors at B&Q in frustration at their lack of leads.
“Thing is you can’t plant COVID without risking getting it yourself,” one officer remarked.
An anonymous source claims to have seen Gavin St Pier leave the house without a tie on, although this is yet to be confirmed.
The Guern understands that the island’s entire supply of pitchforks has sold out.
And finally, anyone going out at 10pm until 2am will absolutely be fined as you cannot take your exercise back-to-back at a field rave.
A high-ranking deputy who wishes to remain nameless had this to say: “Misinformation is rife, ya get me? Stay home, calm the f down, have a beer and wait for established journalists to spread the goss.”
Our beloved Rumour Mill will only return to us with its output of juicy, verified natter once speculation cools and panic subsides.
If you’re worried about your health, treat yourself to a custom Guern mask that has been specially treated for island air*.
*They have not