Forest resident Jan Vidamour was found dead today in his car in Rue De Moulin, St Saviours.
A drove of cattle were crossing the road for what seemed to be a routine two-week crossing. However, things soon turned dark.
Mr Vidamour remained in that spot for 13 days before he was found by the authorities.
A preliminary reasoning for his inability to simply reverse is that he may have become entranced by the parade of cows like some disturbing screensaver.
Scratch marks on the inside of the car paint a picture of him losing his mind within hours, despite the doors being unlocked when emergency services arrived.
In a sad bit of irony, it appears Mr Vidamour tried to eat the leather upholstery of his car for nourishment – if it had not been leather-effect plastic he may have had a chance.
“It was a little bit like Raiders of the Lost Ark,” PC Joel Le Page explained.
“You know their faces all melted and down to the bone, like that but a lot drier and more real looking.”
Despite the PC’s generous offer to let us photograph the ‘shit scary’ corpse, The Guern declined.