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Confused masses stockpile toilet paper, corona beer, and hand sanders

Admiral Park is ablaze tonight as confused shoppers load up on supplies amid Coronavirus fears.

The fire began in the men’s grooming aisle of Waitrose, where a deranged tax accountant tried using a can of Lynx Africa and a zippo to burn the virus from the air.

Crates of Corona beer, hand sanders, and toilet paper seem to be the key items sought by roving gangs of intellects.

B&Q is in a state of disarray, with hand sanders and sanding masks being out of stock since the early hours of this morning.

“There is a lot of misinformation out there about toilet paper and the use of hand sanders and sanding masks to combat the virus,” said the island’s health minister.

“If one message and one message only gets through to the panicked mind of the general public: do not use sandpaper in the bathroom.”

Reporters at the scene confirm people are willing to lay down their lives so that their families have a chance at bathroom hygiene during this uncertain time.

“Could be weeks before we leave the house, we’ll be shitting just to pass the time,” a concerned mother claimed.

The Waitrose morning manager was assaulted by a pack of angry Karens.

In an emotional display of brand loyalty, the evening manager clocked in on time as always.

“The whole thing’s a hoax, just wipe the lip with the lime and keep on drinking Corona all you want,” stated a knowledgeable uncle on Facebook.

Fires continue to rage at the scene with the death toll steadily rising.

More on this story as it spreads, mutates, and confuses.

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