Hard at work in the Heavens above, God in all his wisdom has declared that all of the Guernsey States deputies are to blame for all things globally.
“High-priced airline tickets, the third world, the great Emu wars in Australia…”
He sipped his wine – formerly blood.
“The States of Guernsey are to blame.”
We spoke with clergywoman Carol Le Couteur regarding the revelations:
“I knew they were bad, but I never realised it was this bad.
“However I believe in the word of God, and as such I have instructed my congregation to ignore any texts or proclamations of the States.”
Despite the extremity of the claims, our own findings have concluded that the current acting States deputies are indeed to blame for a number of the above.
Before flying back into the sky like the big deity he is, the Lord almighty made one more claim:
“Those little tiny birds that make loads of noise and fly around in massive groups?
“They’re the spawn of Satan.”