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Castle Cornet to be remilitarised post-Brexit

Plans are in the works to reinstall military hardware at Castle Cornet, The Guern can exclusively reveal.

A top-secret document was left on a table in Dix Neuf, which was innocently acquired by one of our reporters seeking a dessert menu.

Concerned islanders need not worry too much, however, as any new equipment will be sensitive to the original time period.

Mark Le Marquand Jr., the manager at the castle, says it’s important the historical building’s character isn’t destroyed as the island prepares for an influx of wealthy Brits.

“We’re looking to defend the island from invading forces, not destroy the very fabric that makes up our society,” he said.

“We’ve got some 17th century cannons on their way back from the smith now, and our Guerncoats are currently away training in musket, bayonet and siege warfare.

“I’ve heard one of them can hit an apple on top of a cow’s head from 50 yards, but then he’s known for exaggerating the little details.”

Mr Le Marquand Jr. also muttered something about guerilla tactics from Year 3 on, though he tapped his nose as he did so.

Experts expect wealthy Brits to relocate to Guernsey in the event of a no-deal Brexit due to its close links with the UK and France, however that’s not something Mr Le Marquand Jr. is prepared to suffer.

“We don’t need them coming here and inflating prices any more than they already have,” he explained.

“That’s why I’ve instructed our gunners to fire at will should they spy any vessels not flying the Guernsey colours, or who hasn’t sent an envoy 24 hours in advance.

“We’ll soon see how happy they are when they’re looking down the business end of an artillery piece that can fire a 60 pound shot.”

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