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‘We’re gonna build a wall and we’re gonna make the sea pay for it’ – confused elder

A group of islanders are set to take matters into their own hands as rising sea levels threaten their livelihoods.

Having seen the success of Donald Trump’s campaign to build a wall on the southern border of the United States, Tom Le Tocq, who lives near L’Ancresse, has similar plans for our own borders.

“I saw The Donald writing on the Twitter about if you build a wall, crime will fall,” explained Mr Le Tocq.

“It got me thinking, what if a wall makes the sea levels fall too?”

Mr Le Tocq believes a wall of substantial size could force the sea into retreat.

“And if it doesn’t then at least we’ll be protected from the raging torrent set to befall us in the next few years – salt water, ‘refergees’, Brexit pirates.”

It is estimated the fifty-foot high structure would take around 15 years to complete, costing £12 billion.

“We’re going to build this wall and the sea is going to pay for it,” proclaimed Mr Le Tocq.

“The sea is going to pay for the wall that we are going to build and it will stop the sea sweeping away our homes and our loved ones.”

An official from Environment and Infrastructure said building such a barrier would prove physically impossible.

“Mr Le Tocq did submit some plans to us,” an E&I official conceded.

“He proposes we build the wall from materials that are not in keeping with the surrounding area, and some we’re not certain actually exist,”

“It’s also important to note the sea doesn’t have any money because it is not a person, but a body of water,”

“Perhaps Mr Le Tocq has only a remedial understanding of liquid assets,” the official speculated.

Those words had no effect on Mr Le Tocq, who was later seen shouting angrily at the sea demanding payment.

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