It’s the time of year again when the weather gets cold and living on an island becomes noticeably shit.
As the autumn winds descend, basic girls and couples lacking in imagination will have to find another way to kill those precious hours between work and sleep.
“I always get sad at this time of year,” local bimbo Gemma Le Duchemin mourned.
“Now Love Island’s over, bikini season’s done, and we don’t even have Ant and Dec to look forward to now Ant killed that kid or whatever.
“Usually me and Deano get a blanket and sit in the car to look at the sun goin’ bed.
“Or I’d spend the night editing my pic of a pumpkin spiced latte for my story, but Guernsey doesn’t even have a Starbucks.
“Everything happens to me.”
We reached out to David Attenborough for comment on the seasonal affective disorder associated with the island’s common birds.
“They feast upon chips along the shore in a ritual dating back to the stone age,” Sir David commented.
“It’s a holdover from the island’s deep past, when inbreeding was so rife that men would often mate with seagulls just for a touch of genetic diversity.
“Faced with no other choice, the boring mid-20s female will likely walk gormlessly into a wall like a glitching video game character until November, when it’s time to write her Christmas list.”
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